Part 2: Managing Thyself: Listening to the Community Within
As facilitators, we often talk about managing group dynamics, creating psychological safety, and helping others stay grounded. But the real dance starts within.
That moment when someone hijacks the conversation.
The sceptic folds their arms.
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Or you’ve just received a text that’s derailed your brain.
It’s in those moments we’re reminded:
Facilitation isn’t just about managing the group.
It’s about managing thyself.
We’re Not Just One Self – We’re a Community, there is a cast inside our head, like the movie Inside Out.
This model is grounded in the understanding that, although we appear to be one person, we’re actually made up of many parts. We know as humans we are complex creatures, gloriously layered with our different talents and strengths.
In any situation, different aspects and our talents will want different things:
“Let’s just get on with it!” — says the my Activator
“Hold on, it needs to be perfect.” — says the Perfectionist (hello, Maximiser)
“How can I keep everyone happy” — whispers the Pleaser
“What will they think of you?” — whispers the Imposter
“I’m too scared to do this.” — trembles the Scaredy Cat
“I’m in charge, obviously.” — declares the Bossy Self
“You’re not the boss of me.” — huffs the Rebellious Teenager
“Hang on, this bullet point is misaligned.” — frowns the Attention to DetailSelf
These ‘selves’ often pop up when facilitating a workshop and can derail us!!
Sound familiar?
It’s important to remember that each ‘self’ brings a gift; there are no good or bad selves, like no good or bad talents and strengths. We need to see the positives.
The key isn’t to silence them. The key is to listen… and choose who gets to drive.
That Pleaser? It helped you survive in environments where approval meant safety.
The Perfectionist? It just wants your work to shine.
The Scaredy Cat? It’s trying to protect you, keep you safe.
The Bossy One? It might be the only part that knows how to take charge.
So instead of silencing or shaming them, try this:
Acknowledge. Appreciate. Redirect.
Let’s take the Perfectionist, for example. You might say to yourself:
“Hey, I know you want this to be perfect. And I’m grateful for the high standards you hold. But today, good is good enough. We’re going live with version 1…Ok maybe 2.”
By giving that self a voice and a role, you’re not pushing it away. You’re managing it with love.
Who’s Driving the Bus?
One of my favourite metaphors is the Community Bus.
You’re still one person, but in each moment, a different self might be at the wheel or having a party at the back of the bus, making it hard to drive and focus.
The wise one
This is the wise self-loving self who is able to take into account all the other selves. Listen to and love them all, like Curt liesvelt used to say “As coaches we need to learn to love all the talent themes”. Letting your Wise One drive the bus is what keeps the journey smoother.
The Wise One is the part of you that sees clearly. That listens with compassion. That notices the chaos, takes a breath, and says, “Thank you all for your input. But I’ve got this.”
It’s Not Just You in the Room
If all of that complexity is going on inside you the trained facilitator, the one who’s done the work, imagine what’s going on for your participants.
They, too, bring a Community of Selves, the cast inside their head with them into the room.
Some of them are:
- worried about looking foolish
- annoyed they were “voluntold” to be here
- overthinking their every contribution
- trying to impress the boss
- holding back tears from something outside this room entirely
They’re each doing their own version of managing. Or not managing.
When something flares up, conflict, resistance, awkwardness, it’s rarely about justthe content or the activity. It’s often a self within them reacting to something old, something unconscious, something tender.
Bringing This Into Your Practice
So, what does all this mean for you?
- Start noticing which selves show up when you’re under pressure.
- Listen for their messages. What are they trying to protect? What is the gift?
- Invite your Wise One into the conversation more often.
- And remember: just like your CliftonStrengths, every self has potential—when used with awareness.
Managing thyself is not about flawless performance.
It’s about loving leadership of the inner team.
That’s how we hold the room when things get tricky.
That’s how we create spaces where others feel seen.
And that’s how we stay human while doing this beautiful work.
Next week Part Three – Micro Skills of Facilitation. Simple but powerful tools.
